Darkness Inside Of Me
by CallidoraBellatrixBlack
Summary: Many things were missing in Bellatrix's life. A soft touch, a nice word in the morning, a smile, a home, a mother, a father, love. This is her trying to fix her broken self and find happiness. Maybe happiness finds us when we never expect it. Warnings: eating disorders, depression, anorexia, rape, adult themes.


Obviously, nothing written below belongs to me. Characters owned by J. .

Bella sat in front of the old mirror that belonged to her family for quite a few centuries. It was a dark cherry wood, sculpted with intricate designs of roses twisting and turning, enchanting the beholder with their beauty, one that told a story of wealth, blue blood and pain if one took the time to let themselves be drawn into it. However, Bella wasn't looking at the furniture that resided in her bedroom, but at her own self looking back at her with those wide black eyes.

Cheeks wide and plump, plump to the point of chubby and then even further. Big nose, resembling that of an old hag, a dirty witch at the dark corners of Knockturn Alley, horrendously dressed and scorned at by passerby people. Even the hair is alike. Black, long and curly, dry and frizzy, harsh to look at, bringing memories of an older time when youth was life and now it is fragments of a photograph glued back together, but the scars still show.

"Ugh! Look at all this fat!" said Bella while grasping at both of her cheeks and pinching them, wishing for the fat to melt away and disappear.

_Why is this happening to me? How am I ever going to appear to society again? I look like Crabbe or worse Bulstrode, or worst a Muggle. _

She stood up from her antique chair at the boudoir and started pacing to her bed and back. "Something has to be done. It has to! It has to!" It was 120 this morning. Not good enough. Nothing seems improved. How can it? I look like a stuffed hippo. Have to get lower at least 110. Too many carbs? What am I doing wrong? Definitely skipping dinner tonight.

Her train of thoughts was rudely interrupted by screaming around the house.

"What did you expect, no what did you? Everyone is already questioning me, questioning US! Having you look like a drunk in front of the Wizengamot Lords isn't helping! Pull yourself together Cygnus!" yelled Druella from the downstairs. "Do not speak to me in that tone woman! You are the one that everyone you're so _fond of _all the time talks about. You are the one who hasn't done her duty as a wife. "

The screaming continued for quite a while. If it weren't for the silencing spells around the house everyone would have taken notice of the level the Blacks have sunken to.

"Bellatrix, come right down this instant! Cissa, Andromeda you too! Do not disrespect me!" Druella yelled, calling for her three daughters for dinner, too caught up in her rage still, forgetting all the while to behave in a ladylike manner as her upbringing desired for her to do so.

Narcissa came down the stairs first. She was her parents' favorite, walking down the stairs with grace that spoke of her aristocratic background. Thin but healthily so, with waist length platinum blond hair and blue eyes her face was beautiful and enchanting. "Hello mother. " she sad passing by her mother quickly and heading for the dining room. Next came Andromeda, so much like her sister and yet an opposite. With brown hair and brown expressive eyes, they were the ones that gave her away. Yet that was never a problem at her house. No one was that interested in her to take the time, look deep into her eyes and read her mind. The eyes are the window to the soul. Hers wasn't revealed because nobody looked for it. She followed Narcissa down the hall as well, without whispering a single word, hearing her other sister's footsteps behind her.

Bellatrix was the eldest child of the Blacks. A thin and tall figure, smart and witty although quite lonely she was rather striking. Not of her exceptional beauty or brilliance, but of her power. It was emanating off of her. Anyone who knew where to look would take notice of the fact and be drawn to her, wanting to take some of her power, mind, looks…yet they never could.

"Took you long enough. I am telling you for the last time stop your laziness! Sometimes I bother why I even bother with you" her mother said while looking down on her as though she was dirt on the staircase that someone forgot to clean up. Or maybe was lazy and didn't clean it up. Such a dreadful crime… "Yes, mother" answered Bella in an emotionless tone.

Everyone took their seats around the huge dining table. Cygnus at the head of the table, Druella at his side and Narcissa at the other. _ Good, at least I don't have to sit beside the monster!_ The house elves came hurriedly through the room, carrying trays of food and started serving the people. Bella took only a few boiled carrots, some broccoli, one boiled potato and a couple brussel sprouts. Lunch should always be light. Don't wanna get heavy now, do we?

"Cissy, how was your homework today? I hope you have studied properly." mumbled Cygnus while sipping his wine.

"I did father. My grades are going to get better. I don't really need that much of an improvement. I already won 1st place a few times last year in some of my classes." She answered slightly prideful.

"Well done. I knew at least a daughter of mine would uphold our place. Bellatrix, look how good your sister behaves. Why don't you try and take example of her? " her mother added.

Bellatrix glared at her mother. She wanted to smack her face on the table and run out of the room. Narcissa was trying to hide her smile at her mother making fun of her sister while Andromeda lost in her own little world unaware of what was taking place at the table. Being used at the mistreatment by her parents Bellatrix refused to answer. Being a fifth year was tough and still her grades were on the top. She didn't understand why they were complaining all the time. Spacing out through the rest of lunch and managing to consume 100 calories she went back to her room avoiding any contact with her sisters.

She needed to burn the fucking calories! Hell, why did she even eat? She laid down on the floor and started doing some crunches until she burned some of the fat her ugly body was holding. It was like a sickness that wouldn't go away. Constantly interfering with her life. After 500 crunches she decided to read a bit. Meanwhile she locked the door. She had a bad feeling about tonight. Whenever she feels this way bad things happen. She only hopes they can be avoided because the usually can't.

Later that night her father returned home. 2:00 am. First she heard the noise of the door opening and closing, then slowly the sound of her father's heavy footsteps climbing up the stairs sign that he was drunk once again. He's probably been out with his friends all night spending money and downing firewhiskey. The footsteps kept getting louder and louder, closer and closer. Bella knew he was approaching. She wanted to hide again like she was a little girl. Looking around her room in fear she saw her closet, behind the curtains or maybe under the bed. No, she couldn't.

She finally heard the doorknob turning. Then an incantation and the door was slowly opening. "Bellatrix? Bellatrix where are you?" he asked getting inside her room while looking the door behind him and putting silencing spells on. For a drunk he was quite adept with a wand, she pondered. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it would jump out of her chest anytime now. After all these times though it never did. She didn't answer. He came closer tripping over his own feet, put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her down on the bed. She closed her eyes and willed herself somewhere else. Somewhere safe and silent. Somewhere soft. Somewhere that smelled nice and tasted nice. Somewhere without the hurt or the sin. Without the fire and the taste of wine. Maybe somewhere with flesh tight over her rib bones and collarbones, empty inside.

I hope you liked the first chapter! Please read & review, any helpful comments are always grateful.


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